We’ve all been there — replaying past mistakes in our minds, feeling the sting of guilt, shame, and regret over things we wish we had done differently. While we may be able to easily move on from some mistakes, others have a sneaky way of sticking with us, pulling us back into moments we’d rather forget.
Letting go of past mistakes is no easy feat. If you find yourself wondering how to escape this vicious cycle, you’re not alone. Read on to learn more about what makes letting go of past mistakes so difficult and learn 5 concrete steps you can take to move on from the pain of the past.
What Makes Letting Go Of Past Mistakes So Difficult?
It’s only human to make mistakes – so why can it feel so difficult to let them go? The answer lies in the strong emotions and unhelpful thoughts that often accompany our mistakes. Emotions like guilt, shame, and regret can hyperfocus our attention on our failures.
These feelings, while painful, can serve important purposes. Our emotions are messengers, each carrying with them a different lesson. Thus, emotions can help us recognize and learn from our mistakes, as long as we are not overwhelmed by them and accompanying thoughts. For example, guilt encourages us to reflect on our mistakes so that we can take responsibility for them, make amends, and strengthen our connections with the people who matter most to us. Feelings of shame can be even more intense than guilt and cause us to feel as if there is something inherently wrong with us. However, when we can get some space from shameful thoughts & feelings by using the steps below, shame can illuminate the people and things that are most important to us by calling attention to the moments when our actions don’t align with our values.
When we are able to open up to these feelings and accept their messages, we learn important life lessons that point us in the direction we’d like to go in moving forward. But sometimes, these emotions are so painful that our automatic response is to avoid feeling them at any cost. When our focus narrows to avoiding painful thoughts and feelings, it can prevent us from engaging in activities that are meaningful and important to us.
Certain beliefs can also make it difficult to let go of past mistakes. For example, unhelpful thoughts like “that was unacceptable,” “I’m a terrible person,” “everyone will judge me,” and “I should be punished” can cause us to get so caught up in our mistakes that we’re unable to learn from them and move on.
Many people believe that they need to constantly dwell on their mistakes to understand them and prevent them from happening again. This can lead to rumination, where the mistake is endlessly analyzed but never resolved.These beliefs create a mental trap, keeping us stuck in the past and preventing us from moving forward with a healthier mindset.
But there’s hope. By following the steps below, you can break the vicious cycle that overwhelming, negative thoughts & emotions create and start letting go of past mistakes.
5 Steps To Letting Go Of Past Mistakes
1. Acknowledge & Accept Your Past Mistakes
The first step in letting go is acknowledging that mistakes are a natural part of being human. Once we’ve made a mistake, we can’t go back in time to fix it. Our efforts to push away or suppress our negative thoughts and feelings about the mistake by self-criticizing, wishing they hadn’t happened, or dwelling on them often backfire, making them more intense and persistent.
Instead, see if you can practice mindfully observing your thoughts & feelings without judgment. Notice what comes up when you think about the mistake you made. Instead of trying to push these thoughts or feelings away, gently allow them to be present. Use mindfulness techniques such as focusing on your breath, scanning your body for sensations, and learning to make room for the discomfort so you can hear what it has to teach you (more on this in Step 4) instead of getting caught up in it.
Acknowledge that the thoughts and emotions you are having are valid responses to your situation. Allow yourself to feel them, recognizing that they are a part of your experience but not the entirety of it. Accepting that you’ve made a mistake doesn’t mean condoning your mistake or ignoring the consequences; it means acknowledging that the mistake happened, which opens up space for growth, self-compassion, and forward movement.
2. Recognize Rumination When It Happens
When psychologists use the word rumination, they are referring to the mental behavior of digging through our past to bring up and struggle with our negative thoughts related to mistakes we’ve made, worries we have, and painful feelings.
Rumination is one way that we might attempt to get away from uncomfortable thoughts & feelings about mistakes we’ve made. This can look like mentally replaying the mistake over and over, scrutinizing every detail of what happened, what you said, and what others said or did. You may find yourself constantly thinking about how things could have been different if you had acted differently – perhaps your mind is filled with a chorus of “what ifs” and “if onlys.”
This is different from reflecting on, identifying and finding solutions to mistakes. Instead, in rumination the thinking goes in circles and doesn’t provide a way for us to productively learn and move forward.
So, when you find yourself ruminating, take a moment to observe what’s happening. Pause and notice how long you have been ruminating for – has it made you feel any better? Has it given you a new perspective or illuminated a way forward?
If the answer to these questions is “no,” consider noticing rumination as a cue to try something different. Start by labeling your rumination – you might say “I’m noticing that I’m fixating on a past mistake” or “this is ruminating.” This can help create distance between you and your thoughts, making them feel less overwhelming, and opening up choices for what to do next. Combine this with steps 1, 3 and 4 to be most effective.
3. Practice Self-Forgiveness & Self-Compassion
Overcoming guilt & shame begins with self-forgiveness. Accept responsibility for what you may have done wrong, but also offer yourself understanding for why the mistake happened. We often judge our past actions based on the knowledge we have now, forgetting that we made decisions with the information available to us at the time.
Forgive yourself as you would forgive others. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that what matters most is how you respond to them. Offer yourself the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.
If self-compassion doesn’t come easy to you, you’re not alone. Self-compassion is a skill, just like any other, and practice is key! Try a self-compassion exercise – Write a letter to yourself as if you were writing to a close friend or family member who made the same mistake. Reflect on the letter to remind yourself of your own capacity for self-compassion.
4. Learn From Your Mistakes
Reflect on what values are important to you in this situation. For example, perhaps you said something hurtful to a loved one in the heat of the moment. If you can recognize what you value within your relationship – perhaps respect, connection, or vulnerability – you can use these values as a guide to determine your next steps as you respond to your mistake. This might involve apologizing, making amends, or changing your behavior moving forward.
The key is to act in a way that is consistent with your values, even if it feels uncomfortable. When you connect with your values, you’re more likely to take action that is meaningful and aligned with who you want to be, rather than taking actions driven by fear, guilt, or shame.
5. Fully Re-Engage In Your Life
Dwelling on past mistakes can keep us from fully living our lives. Moving on means reconnecting with the people and activities that are important to us, even when it’s difficult. Re-engaging with these parts of our lives empowers us to focus on the present and opens us up to fresh perspectives, self-compassion, and a sense of fulfillment and enjoyment.
Sometimes, participating fully in life includes revisiting the people & activities where we’ve made mistakes, but with a new mindset. For example, If someone’s past mistake impacted their career or education, they might re-engage by setting new goals, such as learning a new skill or returning to school. This not only helps them move forward but also builds a renewed sense of purpose and accomplishment.
If someone’s mistake involved hurting a loved one, re-engaging could mean reaching out to that person, having honest conversations, and showing a commitment to change. Reconnecting in this way gives us the chance to take responsibility, make amends, and rebuild trust. This process not only allows us to grow through understanding the impact of our actions, but also creates an opportunity for stronger, more resilient relationships.
By choosing to re-engage with life, we give ourselves the chance to heal, grow, and create new paths forward filled with purpose and resilience.
Wrapping Up How To Let Go Of Past Mistakes
Remember, letting go of the struggle with your painful thoughts & feelings is a process that requires patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to learn from your experiences and to re-engage fully in your life. By following these steps, you can learn to effectively manage the pain of past mistakes and begin moving forward with renewed confidence & vitality.
For many people, these steps will help us to move on and to feel and live better. However, conditions like anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), social anxiety, and depression can make it even harder to let go of past mistakes & disengage from cycles of rumination and struggle that keep us stuck. If you believe these conditions are holding you back, you can read more about them and ways to get help here: Anxiety, OCD, Social Anxiety, and Depression. If you’d like additional support, reach out to us for a consultation or to schedule an appointment.